I'm lucky if I can make a coherent sentence. Welcome to the world of 're-entry.' All the typical emotions, feelings and reverse culture shock attributes are evident. Before I left Cambodia, Don Brewster had prayed that I have would time to 'decompress'----that word has resonated in my spirit since I first heard it. Decompress ---to release from pressure. It has been a 2 month pressure cooker in Cambodia--- I truly had so many memorable experiences and gifts from God and yet in the midst of that I was dealing with heat, sickness, exhaustion, dust, battling warfare on various levels---I didn't really realize the intensity until I was sitting on the plane and literally kept my eyes closed for almost 15 hours except to eat and well see my way to the bathroom :-)
I started back to work on Tuesday morning---back to my capitalist job on Bay street---the equivalent of Wall Street--a street of materialism in all its splendor--- such a far cry from the streets of Svay Pak. Looking at my screen with all the stock symbols and casually scanning my email inbox as I saw 1100 emails---the delete key came in handy as I was in no mood to read. Thankfully financial research usually becomes useless within a week of receiving it since the markets change so rapidly so there was a quiet pleasure in hitting the delete button. I survived my first week back at work--but barley. I was physically in the office but my heart and mind were emotionally in Cambodia.
I have yet to really begin to process my feelings or emotions from this trip. I am hibernating for a month---taking a sabbatical so to speak and spending the evenings quietly, to be still, to be refilled and to allow the Lord to speak. The only thing that comes into my mind was the fact that the time in Cambodia was too short. My brain is tired and I have sensed that God simply wants me to rest and do nothing. To just simply 'be'! The season for 'doing' has temporarily ended. Now I am simply to just relax and chill. I'm happy to do that cause I have little energy to do anything else. In some ways, I feel that the Lord is guarding my heart and emotions for a time and a place when He will bring to light the hidden treasures from this journey. My emotions are raw for I feel like a mother estranged from her children.
A few evenings ago I spoke to Siny & Paully ---two of Pastor Chantha's students and also Vichny, one of the teachers from the Newsong centre. It was great to hear their voices. Then there are all the little ones who attend the kids club. These whose hugs I cherished and whose smiling faces brought such joy to my heart. I miss hanging out with them all, laughing with them, praying with and for them and teasing them. These new and yet old friends--- younger sisters, spiritual daughters who were part of the special community that God brought into my life. It is hard to let go of these heart to heart connections but I hold on to the truth that when we love in Jesus name it never fails. He will preserve the Christ love that has shaped our time together. They were part of that 'divine moment' but God is asking each of us now to live in another 'divine moment'. For Ecclesiastes reminds me that there is a time for everything and a season for every activity under heaven: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace. (Eccles 3:1-8)
In this chronos time wrapped up in kairos moments, He is calling each one of us to rest in His appointed time, to humbly trust, believe and submit to His ways, His purposes and His overarching plan even when life seems uncertain, when the pieces don't seem to fit and God's ways are a mystery to us. The journey of faith continues. The mountain top experience has ended and the valley experience has begun. It is a valley where vision is born, refined and defined in the midst of solitude and silence. Come Lord Jesus, speak to each of us for your servants are listening! Come Lord Jesus to my dear friends in Svay Pak and to each one of us here, minister to us in our point of need for you are the Great I am!